I’ve been through a divorce. It sucked. Of course it sucks. I mean people are afraid of all kinds of things, zombies, death, strangers,…pretty much everyone is afraid of something in their life that is marginally likely to happen. Me, I’m afraid of car wrecks, pretty much am convinced I am going to die in a car wreck. But no one fears divorce. Why? Everyone should be afraid of divorce.
Seriously, if I said there’s this monster that is going to attack you. Flip a coin, heads you get the monster, tails no monster. And if you lose its going to take at least half of your money, your kids, your house. Its going to make you have to deal with lawyers, the fucking court system, and very likely going to make someone that at some point you thought you loved into a fucking evil crazy bitch who hates you and you hate them and they want you to die and they do everything they possibly can to make you miserable, and will continue doing so that for the rest of your fucking life.
If you aren’t afraid of divorce you are stupid. I’ll just come out and say it. I mean we all get into relationships and have them end. Break ups suck to be sure, but you don’t have to hire a lawyer. You are not at the mercy of the courts. You just are miserable for a bit. Divorce is a whole other animal.
When you think about it objectively, it’s probably the worst thing that happens to at least half of us in our lives. What else is there? Sure death leads the party of shit none of us want to happen, but we don’t really have a choice in that. Divorce, we all had a choice. We decided that we wanted to run that fucking gauntlet. Everyone that gets married makes the bet that they are not only going to be a coin flip away from the worst thing that can happen to most people in their life.
But the odds get even worse because most of the married people I know are fucking miserable. Say there’s even twenty percent of the married people who are really happy, that’s not that many people who are married who are either happy or not divorced. So if you put it like that, everything gets worse. A coin flip for married people to get divorced. Then of that remaining 50%, you get 20% that are maybe happy, so out of every 100 people that decide to get married, 10 will win that lottery and be happily married. 10. Read that again 10. Ten.
What other fucking thing would so many people do that has such shitty odds of working out? Cross the street, 10% chance of making it? Not doing that. I mean what are the riskiest professions in the world ? Fishing? Being a lumberjack? That’s like 1 in 10,000 chances of getting injured or killed. I guarantee you marriage and divorce cause more people to commit suicide than those two professions put together.
So why do we do this? More importantly why the fuck do gay people want to get married? I am all for gay marriage. I mean why should they get to be the only ones that are happy and have disposable income and when they have kids and break up they don’t have to go to the fucking courthouse like a goddamn criminal and hire some scumbag lawyer.
But really, I mean I could care less if gay people want to get married. I’m concerned that anyone wants to get married. What the fuck is it anyway? Really what is marriage? I think its one of those things that in another hundred years we will look back at and wonder why anyone ever did it? Like remember 100 years ago when people were petrified of marijuana? Now we know its pretty benign. It’s like the opposite of that. We all think marriage is this thing we should do, that it’s this good thing for us and for society. But it’s not. It’s fucking rotten.
You know how you can tell it’s a shit idea? Look at the people that think marriage is a great thing? Look at the assholes that think marriage is all about a man and a woman and the gays cant do it because we think its morally or biblically wrong. These are the same fucking people that in grade school were the hall monitors. These are the people that want and need rules to make sense of their own miserable existence. The rest of us have divorce for that.
But seriously, divorce sucks. It really sucks. You think you love someone and they go and start fucking their dance teacher and they want to leave you for this scumbag and you want to kill him and you’ve got these kids and the whole thing is costing a you a fortune. So you try to make up for it by drinking too much and going out and sleeping with some really ugly women just because you can, then you date some really hot but fucking crazy chick and the sex is amazing, way better than during your marriage, and you vow not to get involved, just keep fucking this crazy chick like a rabbit but then you fall in love with the sex and she has emergency open heart surgery and needs a place to live so you let her move in but it turns out she is addicted to Ritalin which you didn’t know and she’s violent so you kick her out and she breaks into your house one night and threatens to kill you, so you have to call the cops and your kids are looking down from the top of the stairs at you while you talk to the cops.
Or something like that. I dunno, I think I heard someone had something like that happen to them once.
Anyway. So divorce sucks. And I’m like the 1% of people who actually get along with their Ex. People come up to me all the time and talk to me about their divorce because they think because I get along with my Ex that we must have done something right. And I am sure we did. But I also know if we weren’t married it would have been a hell of a lot easier to get to this point. So people always talk to me about their divorce. And really it’s pretty awful. I always think to myself, “Well you wouldn’t talk to me about your abortion like this, what makes you think I want to hear about how fucking miserable your Ex is”. Because 90% of the time that someone is telling me about their divorce they are telling me their Ex is a royal dick or douche and they are miserable.
I KNOW! You should have come to me before you got married!
But that doesn’t work either. I’ve tried. I have a friend who is getting married. He tells me one night that he’s going to propose to her. So I say what anyone who has a fucking clue would say, “Give me half of your money right now.” And of course he’s like, “What? Why?” And I say because I’ll take that money and I’ll put it in an index fund and give it back to you after this chick that you constantly bitch about not giving you blowjobs and never wanting to have sex divorces you because she finds out you fucked some whore while you were on a business trip and you are miserable and poor and you are going to thank me.”
Because I have tried. I have tried to talk people out of marriage, and they always think I’m an asshole. One of my good buddies’ fiancé said she didn’t want me at their wedding. She literally said to me, “Just because you couldn’t keep your wife happy doesn’t mean you should ruin our wedding.” Its true too. She was right about that. I couldn’t keep my wife happy. For the record she couldn’t keep me happy either.
But I went to the wedding anyway and sure enough, she is crying on my shoulder the night before telling me she’s not sure she loves my buddy. And I’m like “I know! But if you weren’t getting MARRIED, you wouldn’t have to face this arbitrary and contrived situation where you have to commit to being with this asshole person for the rest of your life even though we already know it only works out for 10 people in 100, 50 of them get divorced, 40 are miserable.
But no, people keep taking those odds and going for it. Why? It makes no sense at all. But I’ll tell you what, that girl I just told you about got married to my buddy and they have two kids and they just might be the 10%. Good for them. It has to happen to someone right?